Category: Full Shows

Jim “Jacket Off” Jordan had a really rotten afternoon. Good. Most excellent. Twenty GOPpers said, “Aw, HELL, no!” to the very idea of him being Speaker and chaos ensued. Reminder: they may not even want a speaker. What they want is a shutdown. Meanwhile, Nitwit Nero tests his gag order. 

When is a “gag order” not a gag order? When it’s applied to Nitwit Nero. “Gag” has both a specific and a colloquial meaning, as in, “joke.” Bets on what it means in this context? Hate comes home in the Chicago suburbs. 

More of the same, unfortunately. But other madness, as well. George Anthony Devolder James Knox Polk Santos has a meltdown in a House office building (looks like Longworth). Jim “Jacket Off” Jordan inches toward a Speakership as media ask more questions about the young men whose rapes he ignored. Joe-To-the-Manchin-Born has polling problems. 

Really: Pooty’s fingerprints are all over Hamas. Just the same, the MAGATS want to drink Iranian blood. Regardless, the MAGATS can’t get their act together to pick a speaker. Meanwhile, Michele Batshit Crazy Bachman knows exactly why the attack happened. Get the hockey puck. Counsel for the Parking Garage breathes a sigh of relief. A case study of just how screwed up health insurance is in America. 

Day Two of That Thing I Hate To Talk About. But talk we do. And it turns out we’re pretty solid. Condemning Hamas takes no effort. Defining the parameters of peace is complicated. 

PsychoBibi’s chickens come home to roost. The Middle East abbatoir is once more open for business. Naturally, MAGATS make everything worse. But Craven McCarthy sees an opening . . . 

Faux wants a televised Speaker Circus. That didn’t play so well with several of the clowns. Nitwit Nero loses again. Dystopia: teenage West Virginians partying in toxic waste. A little girl in Utah eloquently pleads for her own existence. The Chesebro gets Python’d. 

Extra long edition.

If you look up “smarmy” in any dictionary of the English language, you will find a photo of the visage of Joe-To-the-Manchin-Born. JFC! He’s even worse when he’s playing coy. I just wish folks like Joe Scarborough could learn and internalize Roxanne’s First Law Of Manchins: “No One Named Manchin EVER Does Anything That Doesn’t Benefit Someone Named Manchin.”  Meanwhile . . . MAGATS contemplate “Speaker Trump” and I contemplate the End of Civilization. Also: I spoiler a really fun Florida crime novel from the late-90s (back when books were things-in-hand).

Jesus is punking MAGATS in the House. Nazi fitness gymbros support mayoral candidate in Franklin, TN. Nitwit Nero is literally grunting and groaning in the courtroom. AOC takes MAGATS to Schoolhouse Rock. We have a ringside seat to a trainwreck.

It doesn’t get much more Titanic than this. MAGATS sink their own Speaker in a historic, hysteric fit of pique.  Kevvers ain’t gettin’ that jar back . . . and blames . . . Democrats? Nitwit Nero gets fitted with a smallish gag in Manhattan after doxing Justice Engoron’s clerk. Counsel For the Parking Garage has a worried look on her face. MAGAT bloodlust on bold display. 

The circus goes to 11. Tangerine Tiberius shows up for court in Manhattan and gives us a preview of what months of sitting through criminal trials will do to him. HINT: there’s a meltdown for the ages coming. Meanwhile, Marge’s drag queen bf declares that liberal women are “ugly.” It defintely sucks to be Craven McCarthy these days and I’m not upset about that. Saving his miserable hide may give decent people a chance to keep the MAGATS from hanging Ukraine out to dry and getting a fully funded government (till we do this again next year). Fappy bails on a case that cut a little to close to home. 

“The center will not hold.” 

Creepy how poetry actually works. 

 

This time, all the thorns are in the sides of House MAGATS. Wow! What a terrible couple of days these have been for them! And the Shadenfreude is thicker than a Black Forest fog! Virginia Democrat Gerry Conollly unveils some mad trolling skills. Nitwit Nero decides to to go to Federal Court in Georgia. A MAGAT tells fellow MAGAT Matt “Creep” Gaetz to “F off.” The wheels: they are wobbling. Chris Christie accuses Dr. Jill Biden of prostitution. Misogynist MAGATS (I know: redundant) are running away from themselves.

Cassidy Hutchinson, Day 2. Deep dive. 

There’s a dis-ease in the land. Between the moaners who complain about President Biden’s age to the MAGATS who don’t even think about the doddering of their orange god-emperor, the vibrating is getting rather profound. Cassidy Hutchinson, although she’s telling the truth, is making it more profound. The entire culture of the Trump years was nothing but gropey, disgusting old men, plus Matt Gaetz. The rest of the GQP field has been narrowed to seven, so we now have Snow Flake and the Seven Dwarfs. Oh, and the MAGATS are now butthurt over . . . Taylor Swift? Yep. Taylor Swift. Plus, Judge Arthur Engoron specifically found as a matter of fact and law that Trump and his rotten spawn deliberately bait-and-switched the value of Trump Org properties. The trial starts Monday. And Nitwit Nero wants a gun. Really. He may have Huntered himself. 

The beginning of the final week of September 2023 finds us featuring as the lead moran a “progressive” broadcaster. JFC! I’m triggered af. It feels like an attempt to re-ignite the Great Purity Wars of 2016. With people like Cenk, it’s hard not to think somebody’s check cleared, and no one who means us any good. Remember: he’s an “ex” Republican.  I love how doodz who say “Biden can’t win” ALWAYS blow right past our VP. It’s like a woman, Kamala Harris, is entirely invisible to them. FML. 

And that’s just the beginning. Julius Geezer wants to order people killed. “How often do YOU think of Rome?” Well, when it goes nuts like Gaius Marius, a LOT! Where’s Mary Beard when we need her? 

On the Vice-Presidency and the historic effects of changing them. Once again, here at The H.O.R.N., we figure things out long before the Multi-Millionaire ForProfit Media gets their coffee going. Just wait till some MAGAT Feeeedumm Carcass jagoff claims Hunter Biden arranged for Bob Menendez to get the gold. Fappy gets a LOT dirtier almost every day. 

There are at least twenty-eight lilly-livered, yellow-bellied cowards in the House and Senate. Naturally, they’re all MAGATS, thrilled to bomb the life out of brown people, but totally browning their own undies at the thought of crossing their Daddy Vladdy. Meanwhile, as democracy burns, so does our planet . . . and drowns. The data are in: flooding in Libya, Greece, and Turkey was made more likely and far worse by climate catastrophe. Does Cavin’ McCarthy have any self-respect remaining? How often do you think of the Roman Empire? 

Glory! Baptists bounce a racist, homophobic preacher. Also get sued for outing a philandering former leader of the SoBap Con. John Fetterman keeps owning the MAGATS and they insist on continuing to walk on rakes. Perspective is an entirely foreign thing to them. Chuck Schumer caves to Tommy the Tuber. So much (more) losing for Julius Geezer. Adam Schiff tears into Gym “Jacket Off” Jordan. Merick Garland shows up and takes no guff from MAGATS in House Judiciary. Charlie Kirk gets a rowdy anti-fascist reception in Arizona. 

All hail John Fetterman, Fashion Scourge! In which we learn a new phrase: “grabbing the hog.” J6 terrorist’s paranoia pegs the needle. Christian sex trafficking “advocate” caught on video groping a young girl’s breasts . . . for Jesus, of course. Racist MAGAT org sues West Point. Texas school fires teacher for reading “The Diary of Anne Frank” to 8th graders. Is Loren Boebert coming to Ravenswood, WV?